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“Daring to set boundaries is about having the braveness to like ourselves, even after we threat disappointing others.” ~Brené Brown
I used to consider that if somebody was in want and I had the flexibility to assist, it was my obligation to step in. Whether or not it was managing caregiving duties for household, fielding disaster calls from mates, or stepping up at work when nobody else would, I stated sure with out hesitation. For me, serving to appeared to be the measure of a “good individual.”
However what I didn’t notice is that many people confuse obligation with duty.
Obligation feels prefer it’s inherently ours to do, no matter selection. Duty looks like one thing we voluntarily tackle—generally due to what we consider is predicted or what others have satisfied us is ours to hold. The excellence between the 2 is refined, however the results of confusion them are profound.
The reality is, we’re taught early on that serving to others is the fitting factor to do. And for ladies, particularly, the world emphasizes that stepping up for others is what defines us as robust, succesful, and useful. So I did. I stated sure to just about each pull on my time, power, and peace—till my physique stopped me.
The Wake-Up Name: The Day My Physique Stopped Me
You don’t notice how a lot you’ve given—how a lot you’ve carried—till your physique asks you to cease.
For me, that wake-up name got here within the type of an ulcer. On the time, I couldn’t fathom why my physique was failing me. I ate healthily, exercised, and customarily lived a balanced way of life—or so I believed.
However what I hadn’t realized—what so many people fail to notice—is that ulcers, burnout, and different stress-related circumstances don’t come from what we eat. They arrive from what’s consuming away at us.
What had been quietly consuming away at me had been all of the pulls on my time and spirit, pulls I had allowed to proceed due to my lack of ability to acknowledge the injury and ship an emphatic no. Caregiving, disaster administration, being the go-to drawback solver—these had been the issues that slowly consumed me as I ignored the whispers of my physique and spirit, telling me to pause.
The ulcer wasn’t only a bodily concern—it was a wake-up name. It compelled me to confront the load of my yeses and the way they got here at the price of my peace and wellbeing.
The Energy of the Pause: How I Realized to Reassess My Sure
Therapeutic took time, and it wasn’t nearly recovering bodily. It was about rebuilding my habits and, extra importantly, my mindset.
I started to grasp that each pull on my power—a buddy’s misery sign, a member of the family’s caregiving want, and even a possibility at work—wasn’t essentially mine to reply. I wanted to cease working on autopilot and begin responding with consciousness. I referred to as this observe the pause.
Earlier than I gave my sure, I realized to pause and ask myself:
Is that this actually mine to do?
What’s going to this value me in time, power, and peace?
What’s motivating me to say sure—guilt, obligation, or an trustworthy want to assist?
The pause gave me readability. Typically, the reply was apparent:
“I’ll give it some thought and allow you to know.”
“I may help with this half, however I gained’t be capable of tackle the remainder.”
“No, I can’t. You need to ask round to seek out another person.”
Different occasions, the pause compelled me to confront patterns I’d ignored—like over-helping to keep away from discomfort or defaulting to sure as a result of I believed no would disappoint somebody. Every time I paused, I realized one thing new about why I used to be saying sure, and every reply helped me defend my power extra thoughtfully.
The Pull of Expectations: How Societal Conditioning Shapes Our Sure
One of many hardest components of reassessing my yeses was confronting the facility of societal expectations.
Serving to others is commonly framed as the last word advantage—that “good individuals” step up, clear up issues, and make sacrifices when others can’t or gained’t. For girls, this concept takes on a fair sharper edge. We’re taught that caregiving and emotional labor come naturally to us, that placing others first is what makes us useful.
The world celebrates ladies who “do all of it,” typically with out asking what it’s costing them.
As I mirrored on my incessant yeses, I noticed how a lot of this cultural messaging I’d internalized.
I considered my youthful self, watching the ladies in my life lengthen themselves with out pause—my mom, my grandmother, my mentors. They juggled caregiving, work, and household with out ever asking whether or not it was sustainable. I considered the messages I’d absorbed as a toddler, like the concept that refusing to assist while you’re ready is egocentric, or that good individuals sacrifice regardless of the associated fee.
These beliefs formed how I approached each ask. It wasn’t guilt that pulled me towards sure—it was the load of those expectations, handed down by generations with out query.
However right here’s what I’ve realized: these expectations would possibly form us, however they don’t should outline us. Steadiness isn’t egocentric—it’s crucial. Redefining duty isn’t about rejecting others however about ensuring the cycle of overextension stops with us.
Reassessing and Reconnecting: How Considerate Yeses Modified Every thing
Pausing didn’t simply assist me get better bodily—it reconnected me to what mattered most.
By turning into intentional about my yeses, I used to be capable of present up absolutely for the individuals I really like with out shedding myself within the course of. As a substitute of claiming sure to all the things, I began saying sure to what aligned with my values, what honored my peace, and what made my power sustainable.
Considerate yeses gave me one thing I hadn’t had in years—steadiness. And with that steadiness got here readability, objective, and freedom. I let go of obligations that weren’t actually mine, discovered power in saying no, and began dwelling in a method that felt genuine quite than computerized.
It wasn’t simply my time and power that reworked—it was me.
Closing Reflection: Your Personal Litmus Take a look at for Steadiness
For those who’ve ever felt the pull to say sure with out pause, I wish to encourage you to cease—only for a second. Ask your self:
Is that this actually mine to do?
What’s going to saying sure value me?
What’s motivating this selection, and does it align with what I worth most?
We’re typically advised that saying sure is the last word advantage. However the reality is, steadiness is the measure of alignment. It’s not about doing all the things; it’s about doing what actually serves each who you’re and what the scenario requires.
With each pause, you ask an important query of all: Does this honor the individual I’m turning into? And from that area of readability, your sure—while you give it—turns into not simply a solution however a present.
About Carol StokesCarol L. Stokes is a life coach serving to ladies over fifty navigate caregiving, boundaries, and private transformation. A former legal professional turned coach, her mission is to empower ladies to create steadiness, rediscover themselves, and align with their values. You’ll be able to join along with her at https://www.CarolLStokes.com and on LinkedIn right here.
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